I thought it was interesting that the other day, I posted a rather, I guess, instigating status to my facebook about how I was walking alone at night (listening to music, yes) because walking doesn't rape, listening to music doesn't rape, only rapists rape.
It was interesting that everyone was like "Yeah totally" but then half the comments were followed by, "...But everyone should be aware of their surroundings, etc etc."
As my one friend kindly stated, "I think some of them missed the point."
As rape-culture exposers often point out, there are an endless list of rules that women are supposed to follow in order to not get themselves raped. Don't be in a parking lot by yourself, carry pepper spray, don't get drunk at a party, don't get drunk with people you don't know, don't wear revealing clothing, don't flirt too much, don't invite someone over because it implies something, don't walk alone, don't go to the bar alone, don't a million things.
Yes, it's *true* many of these things are "common sense" as one might say. But in its entirety, the "list" implies that if you do these things, you will be safe, you will be okay! You will not get raped. And the further implication of these things is, if you DID accidentally forget a rule, well, you sort of deserved it then. You should expect it, then.
The point is that there is
NO rule or preventive measure a victim can follow that will make them safe from rape. Rapists come in all sizes, sexes, colors, relationships. They can be a friend you trust, the neighbor you help out, the boy you met at the bar, the girl you know from church, the bully, the clerk, the priest, the biker, the husband, the boyfriend, the best friend, the roommate.
Most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and trusts, and NOT random strangers hiding in dark allies. Are we just supposed to trust no one, will THAT save us from rape?
No. Victim blaming has to stop. No ifs, ands or buts.
Only a rapist can rape. Walking alone does not rape you, alcohol does not rape you, being beautiful does not rape you. Rapists rape. Apply the "True... but, if you do this and that..." argument to terrorism.
"Yeah, it's true terrorism is by terrorists BUT you have to be smart about it. Don't use airplanes to get anywhere."
"Don't use any sort of public transportation."
"Don't go in high buildings."
"Don't go to countries that are known to have terrorists."
Yeah, and if you just follow these simple steps, terrorism will NEVER happen to you!
..except that it can, and will happen to someone, because so long as there are terrorists that want to terrorize, terrorism will not stop. To stop terrorism the only option is to stop TERRORISTS. The same applies to rape.
Rape can happen anywhere. To anyone. It is never your fault. No one asks for rape.
*80% of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows
*Sexual violence is the most dramatically under reported crime, with estimated 2/3 attacks unreported (victim blaming is a part of this)
*every hour (just) in America 78 women are raped
*only 2 percent of rapists are ever convicted and imprisoned
Comments (31)
Yeah. We shouldn't use locks on our doors to prevent burglary, either. Because if we do, and forget to lock it one day, then it implies we deserved it. Newsflash - "common sense" isn't about placing blame, it's about giving people real-world methods for reducing their risk.
Prosecution aspect.
I completely agree. I can NOT fucking stand people who blame the victim, or say we should take some "responsibility" for having been raped. That just enrages me. I don't think anything else in the fucking world gets to me more than that.
@radicalramblings - reducing risk isn't a bad thing. I'm not saying people shouldn't take preventive measures if they feel they ought to, but I'm saying there is a cultural notion that if people don't take these measures, they deserved it. And also the point is that in the majority of cases, there ARE no real preventive measures you can take. What are you going to do, never hang out with friends because one of them might rape you? Never drink with people because they might rape you? And yet that is what happens. If you are really completely unable to comprehend the standards that exist in this society, I am sorry you had to read this.
No one deserves to be stolen from, even if they do forget to lock the door.
@radicalramblings - i don't think she's saying women shouldn't try to be careful, but just that women who don't always follow these rules aren't to blame for what happened to them.
if someone doesn't lock their doors and gets robbed you don't blame them, i'm currently living in a very rural area where almost no one locks their doors (i still do as i come from a more populated area and just don't have that kind of trust)
I've come to agree with this line of reasoning. Because only rape comes with a long list of precautions that people repeat ad nauseum.
Should we be aware of our surroundings to prevent muggings, kidnappings for the purpose of ransom, violence perpetrated by crazy people on a trip, random shootings, and full-blown murder? Probably. (Though of course we can't be aware 24/7 without being straight-up paranoid.) But when people are victims of these things, it is not common to hear "they should have been more aware, should have been more careful." Everyone is much more busy blaming the violent person for being violent in the first place.
Out of all acts of violence, only rape is considered an easily prevented crime, and only rape has people shaking their head at the victim.
yeah, what you said.
If I could rec this more times I would.
Common sense is a good preventative, but it does a number of things that far outweigh the benifit. The first you already covered very well. It shifts the blame from the rapist to the victim.
The second, the one I see most often, and one that plagues the middle class with regards to everything, is the fear. The rapists, pedophiles, terrorists, and other bogymen are everywhere, be afraid! Lock your doors, don't leave the house, keep you children close! It gets to the point where people are too afraid to enjoy their lives. I have seen this fear many times, it is very real. I cannot begin to count the times I have been walking down the street, many times in moderately crowded areas in daylight, and have been catching up to a woman walking by herself (I walk rather quickly). As I approach, it is very common to see her clutch her purse and increase her pace, like I'm out to get her. I see it all the time.
This brings up an aside, and I'd be curious as to your take, since you seem to already be against the mainstream opinion with regards to this, and in a good way. Something I have heard often, generally from the same people curled in the corner so they don't get raped, is to not fight back. Don't fight back, comply. Doing otherwise might make the rapist angry and he might hurt or kill you. I've always been blown away by this. He's already willing to commit rape without provocation, it seems to me the safer bet would be to assume he's willing to throw assault and murder in just because. Even if males are typically stronger, as a male, I can tell you with certainty that a swift kick to the groin will incapacitate even the biggest and baddest guy. Wondering your thoughts on that.
I disagree with the analogy, but the last statistic is mind blowing. In "rape culture" you think an honest man doesn't have it just as bad? I won't allow myself to be in a room alone with a female coworker I don't know well (which is fine because I only go to work once a day to pick up the days work), and often a children as well. Accusations don't wash off either. In the Army I've heard of men that turned down "passes" from female armed service members only to be blackmailed by it because of the anger of the female at rejection.
I've also been at the grocery store late at night waiting for my gf to get done(I dont like always buying food), had a car pull up next to me, single female, and have her not get out and just stare at me...like wtf? You want a thumbs up or some shit?
I agree and I disagree. I'm firmly of the belief that if we let ourselves be ruled by fear then those who perpetuate violence are victorious.
There is a fine line between vigilance and paranoia. I accept the fact that I could die tomorrow or have any innumerable number of horrors inflicted upon me. The thought mildly perturbs me, but I don't let it rule me. That said, if I look around a dark alleyway a bit more carefully I don't think that makes me a slave to fear.
@Uek - in any culture men can be raped as well as women, so I was trying to address this not from too much of a gender specific angle. What you say is true, that even innocent people end up looking suspicious in a culture hyped up on fear of something that does not occur all that often (what i mean is, yknow, rape in public places as you have noted, as opposed to rape that occurs among aquaintances).
@Tsukishijin - it doesn't make you a slave to fear... but my point is... most rapes do not occur in a backalley. most rapes cannot be prevented just by looking more closely at someone or something.
@Dargon - nice points. as a woman, i often have that very instinct when i hear people walking behind me at night- speed up! hold something sharp! I have had to train myself not to respond in such a way when i know it's pretty unlikely someone is going to attack me while I'm walking along main street.
Good point, I think I disagree with that general notion too; a rapist is usually not a killer, but if they are a killer, I can't see how complying will make him less likely to kill you, and it could make it even harder to prove it was rape in court, given the unfortunate bias our court systems have. Personally I think it is best to fight with all you've got, at worst you know you tried, at best you injure them enough to give you time to run, or at least make them more easy to identify later (bruise to the face!). It also is based on the assumption that the man is always going to be stronger and you won't be able to get away, which I think is false. In general though any sort of mass forward of what you "should do" if you are getting raped tends to be false and urban legend, like that dumb email forward that always gets around.
@SoapAndShampoo - very true, very true.
I thought the rapist raped to gain power over another? Now, it has to do with how you dress and act? What about the Sunday School Teacher who gets raped while not exposing any skin? What about them?
Incest is a rape that would make the victim feel really bad. Should an incest victim tell on a relative?
The close aquaintance rape is also conflicted. Chances are the victim will see the acquaintence again!
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I am all for enjoying the moment of listening to music, texting and other activities that might distract me. However if you have a good comfort level of doing that in your own neighborhood in which you know really well, then be my guest.
The terrorist and the rapists win if we are reduced to scared people. Exude self confidence and some terrorists and rapists will be scared.
@radicalramblings - Half of these "risk prevention" methods are unreasonable. You can not expect to have someone with you at all times. Dressing in a provocative manner does not make you more likely to be raped, so that "rule" is just superfluous. The list goes on and on.
You're still wrong when you say that these rules do not blame victims, when in fact people do use them as reason to blame victims. "Oh, she was drunk with a tube top on. If she had been smart, she would have been watching her drink." People say these things and because of it, many victims don't report it. They think it was all their fault.
@misuriver - thanks, I think you stated that more eloquently than I could have. :)
Hmm you make some interesting points, but I tend to think the expression "common sense" is an oxymoron.
@FoliageDecay - that's probably true. It isn't a phrase I actually use myself, it's just the response I get most of the time when I take about supposed "rape prevention" is that "yes, but everyone should use 'common sense.'"
@ScarletMoth -
My response to accusations of lacking common sense would be "Let's introduce you to a person descended from generations of farmers in Tibet. I'm willing to bet he'll think you have no common sense in many things you do."
Well, no they imply that your chances of getting raped are dramatically lower if you don't do these things.. you know... like not getting shitfaced at a party with people you don't know. Victim blaming is an oxymoron. No one is a victim and the fact that the response to rape perpetuates the creation of victim complexes is socially barbaric. Yes, the person got raped. Something horrible happened to them. We get it. This does nto mean that they need to be coddled and it sure as hell doesn't mean they didn't do anything to instigate getting raped. Girl dresses like a streetwalker, gets shitfaced and begins sexually taunting someone several times larger than her. She's going to get raped and she'll have had it coming to her. We're not discussing the fact that the response of him raping her isn't warranted or right. We know that much already. We're talking about her responsibility in her own life. Sure, mafias and gangs are horrible criminal organizations but whose fault is it if you mouth off to a goon and end up at the bottom of a river? Yours. There is no blame; only responsibility where it is due.
Also, you intentionally made a strawman argument in trying to convert the logic used to terrorism and it's fairly clear how that differentiates from the actual representation of that logical thought process because the actual one is the one we have in place today post 9/11. It isn't an extreme to do a little extra searching and be a little cautious about terrorism at airports. People are still flying. It isn't an extreme to be conscious of your personal safety and it very much is common sense because in every other application of the faux logic you're presenting people get called morons for not practicing basic actions to keep themselves safe. Robbery, assault, harassment, etc etc. The only place that this flimsy wannabe logic even stands a chance is in the case of rape because it is so deeply and intimately and wrongly tied to the emotional well-being of the female victims and the current societal leaning towards extreme feminism.
@misuriver - Person has a few drinks, gets behind the wheel of a car, falls asleep or into a state of unconsciousness and kills a family of four. The person is a menace to society. They contend that they were drunk. The judge tells them they should have been watching their drinking.
Person has a few drinks, stumbles out of the bar alone, far too drunk to drive, falls asleep or into a state of unconsciousness while walking and gets robbed for everything in his pockets. The person is a fool. They contend that they were drunk. The police tell them they should have been watching their drinking.
Person has a few drinks, falls into a state of unconsciousness and gets raped. The person was obviously a helpless victim. No possible steps or preventative measures, such as watching their drinking, could have possibly prevented what happened to them from occurring.
I'm not condoning rape of individuals who put themselves in situations that make it easy for predators to take advantage of them. I'm saying that telling people that they didn't do anything wrong is foolish. They put themselves in a compromised position. Of course they did something wrong. Should they be blamed for their rape? Absolutely not. Should they be held accountable for run of the mill stupidity? Sure. Getting pass-out drunk is just irresponsible, especially if you're not at home and especially if you're not with friends and there isn't a rape kit in existence that's going to change that.
@striemmy - this is... ugh. too much to respond to. "Girl dresses like a streetwalker, gets
shitfaced and begins sexually taunting someone several times larger than
her. She's going to get raped and she'll have had it coming to her."
really? what exactly involves dressing like a streetwalker? Let me guess- the woman wears high heels and a low cut top? pretty standard fare for what women wear on weekend nights. And because she flirts and dresses appropriately for the setting, she deserves to be raped?
Women dressing a certain way isn't the problem; people thinking they have a right to rape anyone BECAUSE of the way they dress is the problem, and is part of the virgin/whore dichotomy perpetuated by this culture. You're either a virgin and you never dress or do anything sexually, or you're a whore and you deserve to be raped. There is very little in-between...
Also, that was the WHOLE point, that people still ride planes, because it's ridiculous to avoid them for something that almost never happens, and terrorism will happen either way. Rape will happen even if every woman in america, as you seem to dictate, dresses from head to toe in white cotton, sits at home, and doesn't flirt. Because there are rapists.
also you keep talking in the other comment about women who don't watch their drinks. First of all, have you ever tried to keep your eyes on one drink for an entire night? Please, try it. Try watching a drink for five hours. Ask someone to be on the lookout and slip in a packet of sugar or something when you're not looking, I guarantee no matter how vigilant you are, it will happen. All it takes is two seconds. Additionally, you seem to be missing the point that THE MAJORITY OF RAPES
THE MAJORITY
MAJORITY
are NOT random people slipping things into your drink. They are people you know. People you wouldn't necessarily be on high alert about.
I don't argue that being pass-out drunk is a dumb idea, but every group does this- men AND women both. The result is you act dumb the night of, you have a headache the next day. making the bad decision to drink too much doesn't mean you deserve rape, however, in any way.
@ScarletMoth - lol thanks for putting words in my mouth but I meant what I stated as I stated it. If you've ever seen a streetwalker working then you know what constitutes standard attire for them. If not, watch pretty women and do a mental update on the look. You're missing the point quite intentionally. How are you going to quote me and then present a strawman argument directly afterward? There is a difference between flirting and sexual taunting, there is a difference between dressing for a party and dressing like a whore and there is certainly a difference between being sober and being shitfaced. When you do not accurately represent a coherent statement of course it's easy for you to take it apart. That's why it's one of the most frequently occuring logical fallacies in politics. I'm not going to address your sentiments on society as they have little to nothing to do with what I said.
Again, read what I say and then respond because it seems very much like you're talking to yourself and whatever nosense you managed to cook up from skimming my comment. However, since I'm in a forgiving mood, I'll demonstrate to you where you could have read things in my comment that would have stopped you from wasting so much time typing certain things.
"Also, that was the WHOLE point, that people still ride planes, because it's ridiculous to avoid them for something that almost never happens, and terrorism will happen either way." -you
"Also, you intentionally made a strawman argument in trying to convert the logic used to terrorism and it's fairly clear how that differentiates from the actual representation of that logical thought process because the actual one is the one we have in place today post 9/11."-me
People still ride planes because riding planes wasn't the problem. They do however exercise caution where exercising caution will make a difference in the outcome of a given scenario, for example doing a little extra searching and being a little cautious about terrorism at airports. Just like stores hire security and install cameras so that they can monitor thievery. Closing the store wouldn't solve the problem but being mindful and responsible does help solve it. Just like keeping an eye on your drink might.. oh I dunno.. lower your chances of being drugged? Just a suggestion. No one said don't party, just don't party AND be oblivious.
"Rape will happen even if every woman in america, as you seem to dictate, dresses from head to toe in white cotton, sits at home, and doesn't flirt. Because there are rapists."-you
"Well, no they imply that your chances of getting raped are dramatically lower if you don't do these things.. you know... like not getting shitfaced at a party with people you don't know." -me
I didn't say they wouldn't be raped. I said it would dramatically lower their chances of being raped. Read before responding. That quote was the very FIRST thing in my comment. If you didn't read that what faith can I have that you actually read any of it?
Actually, it's pretty easy to watch your drink all night. Don't put it down. Maybe people are foolish enough not to do that where you live but where I'm from you keep your drink in your hand, even when you're dancing. Maybe people here are smarter than I give them credit for. =)
I didn't miss any point. You, however, are missing an important differentiation between things that a person has influence over via their actions and things that a person cannot possibly influence because they are powerless. Now unless your statistics are dealing only with males and females over the age of 18, we both know that those compromise your point. A child getting raped has no recourse in the matter. An adult does. Thereafter, I also place the onus of being attacked in any way on people who actively choose not to take any sort of training in hand to hand combat. If you're not taking personal responsibility for your own safety and you know you're ill equipped to defend yourself then you're being irresponsible. That's about the gist of it. Now, if you'd like to discuss the remaining cases, we can.
Getting hammered like that means you deserve whatever you get the next morning for not being responsible for yourself. Fools deserve what they get. Rape, robbery, death, prison. It's irrelevant. The moment you decide to throw your self control away you no longer get to cry "unfair". If you don't want bad things to happen to you, stay sober.
Great post!
@striemmy - arg. my responses would probably make more sense if your replies were condensed a little. sometimes less is more.
YOUR view of what i am saying about terrorism isn't congruent. The people who make the rules about what is allowed on a plane is not the passengers; the actions of passengers have not changed in any way because PASSENGERS changed their actions. The people in charge changing how things run- as in, taking longer to check bags, etc- is the equivalent of a town deciding to have better lit streets, or the person in charge of a party periodically checking every room to make sure nothing bad is happening.
studies have shown that rapists use alcohol as a tool for raping; as in, they're the type to rape, and probably would do so still if the alcohol wasn't present, but because it is, they take the easiest route. 75% of rapes are planned. I find it hard to believe that just by not getting really drunk, likelihood of rape would dramatically decrease, given these circumstances.
Overall I just am going to disagree that anyone deserves rape. Rape has long stretching, horrible consequences, and the majority of women who are raped are not even "smashed" as perhaps you like to imagine them. Rape is not just a television stolen out of your room. It's something you don't get over for a long time, if ever.
You can keep the drink in your hand the entire freaking night! What I'm saying is if someone WANTS to get something in your drink, it's just going to happen. All it takes is you turning your head to say hi to someone.
I don't really understand what you are saying about children or recourse in matters or whatever, since adults and children can easily be in the same situations and face the same barriers, for something such as rape.
@Jade_Orchid - I agree.In my opinion there really is no way to prevent rape simply because another human being has to come to that decision mentally.You can't stop or prevent human thought it's simple impossible.As a person you have the right to wear whatever it is that you want to wear because it's a form of expression.You can look like a whore or a catholic school nun and still be a victim